A Life Altering (?) Rendezvous.

The below mentioned conversation is a conversation I have with myself. LOL. Let me try explaining again. This is a conversation I had with my Inner-Self (I.S) and the ego inside me. Both are a part of me BUT YET are different. Here it goes…

I.S. - A penny for your thoughts?

Ego - Just a penny? You are so cheap (I try to mock It).

I.S. - Tell me. Do you remember the last time you said sorry?

(The naïve question brought a smile to my lips).
Ego-What matters is that I can at least spell it. (I try to answer with a wisecrack).

I.S. - Huh.

Ego - Well you see. I do apologize when it’s my mistake.

I.S. - Apologizing is not the same as saying sorry.

Ego - Whatever.

I.S. - “A man would rather have a woman who toes the line and lowers her eyes demurely rather than who raises them questioningly”. Interestingly you are that very ‘man’ out here.

Ego - So I am a man now. Homosexuality is not allowed in India. But I must say your sense of humor has improved. Remind me to laugh later.

I.S. - Sometimes you need to shoulder your bit of blame as well you know.

Ego - I see no reason why I should.

I.S. - Life is hard.

Ego - OMFG! Now we have a philosopher in the making. Congratulations.

I.S. - Its always I, me, myself for you.

Ego - Heck! It has to be that way.

I.S. - Beneath the sun, all things must wear to an end at last. You, your ego, will fade away with death.

Ego - You speak nonsense half the time.

I.S. - Correction: I speak nonsense ALL THE TIME.

(The reply makes both of us grin).

Ego - I do not fear anything. Not even you.
(I answer with a smile).I.S. - Obstinate fool!

Ego - (I let out a hearty laugh)
Now you should not flatter me so much.

(It stared at me. Its eyes bore holes at me. Dreamlike it was, yet it was no dream, for there was no waking.)
I.S. - Your heart is shrewd as well as faithful.
(I wait for IT to go on.)

I.S. - Thing unforeseen hinder us. Your ego prevents you from the heavy dose of reality.

(It sounded like a guilt machine to me.)

Ego –(Severely inflamed). I m surprised you have the gall to….

I.S. - Stop refusing to be reasonable!

(It seemed like it was constantly whipping me up.)

I.S. - You are so smug, hypocritical. You place your ego above everything else.

Ego- I do care about people I love. I have a soft heart too.

I.S. - Care? Love? Are you sure? Don’t be so proud of it. What you are saying is a long way from truth.
(A silent embarrassment follows).

I.S. - I seemed to have touched a sore place. You tend to cling on with infuriating stubbornness. You are grumpy and resentful.

Ego - You have widely mistaken my character. But tell me what has that got to with my ego?

I.S. - You seem to be proud of your defects. You are a damned swine and that is all to say. I think I detect a note of dissent?

Ego - You are bound to.

I.S. - Why can’t you sometimes agree with other people’s opinion of you?

Ego- Coz I am misjudged and misunderstood.

I.S. - A remarkable and convenient excuse. You know I am being frank and honest here.

Ego - You are anything but that.
I don’t see why I should tolerate your impertinent questions. Don’t give me a hard time. Just get lost. Your statements sound inane. Almost dim-witted.

I.S. – Aha! There you are! Another trademark quality of yours. Whenever you feel your ego is under some threat, you come up with an ingenious plan to hurt the person. You’ve got more ego than sense. Surprisingly, I m getting perverse pleasure from your self- righteous anger.
So Lets count the number of times differences have cropped up between you and your friends and the times when you have ridiculed them.

Ego – E.n.d.s j.u.s.t.i.f.y t.h.e m.e.a.n.s.
(With special emphasis on each word)
Hence, ego justified.

I.S. - I see that you are always merely searching, immaturely and compulsively for a painful fight with people who matter the most to you. You are often mean, morose and rude. You like to strike back when you find your pride and vanity in danger.

Ego - I don’t!

I.S. - Oh really?

(There’s a pause and a slight hesitation in my voice.)

I.S. - (With a half mocking expression)
An unexpected question like that always outfoxes you.

Ego - (I lower my eyes in indignation. I let the practical arguments sink in.)
Your arguments are all frivolous.
(I try to lie).

I.S. - They are real. They occupy space. You seem to be running away from reality, from truth. Being egoistic is good to an extent, but beyond that, it can wreck your life.
Ego - Cut the philosophizing. I have no reason to believe that your views are anything other than bilge.
(My tongue lashes out in anger).

I.S. - I am not sure whether I ought to be flattered. I have to say that I sense a bit of desperation in your voice and you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe. There’s something about you, which makes you say and do things, you know, are going to hurt them. Yet you do them.
You’ve got an ego as big as a tectonic plate. Don’t harbor the mistaken illusion that being an egoist/egotist is Characteristic of true pride. You are a self-centered conceited person with little regard for others.
You don’t like being subservient and talked down to. And you get ballistic every time someone tries to tell you that.

Ego - I am after all a human being. This is my personality I guess. Am not proud of it. But this is how I am. I.M.P.E.R.F.E.C.T. If you are expecting me to feel bad, then you are wrong coz I don’t feel the usual sting of hurt today.

(My reply is followed by a long, and uneasy silence between us. I am afraid I am going to lose the ‘battle’. And more afraid that it is aware of it.
It glared at me for a long time and a silent conversation resumed between us.

In the end IT left. Also leaving behind a guilty weight in the pit of my stomach. The bitter truth brought tears in my eyes.
The ego was stirred but not shaken.
Sitting there suspended in the ‘formaldehyde of reality’, I shed tears.
Tears not of anger but of INJURED PRIDE.

But I wipe away my tears and an evil grin surfaces.

At least, (I rejoice) I had the last word.)